yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
