mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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