I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
It's like God shit irony all over that family
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
PANTIES FOUND
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