im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
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