so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
