Im at strip club and am horny
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
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