Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
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