oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
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