I would go down on you faster than GM stock
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
23 People Confess Why They Don’t Talk To Their Best Friend Anymore
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
These 17 Delivery Dudes Suck At Their Jobs But Are Winning At Life
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style