That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
These 19 Teachers Had Very Inappropriate Interactions With Students
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Women Confess 25 Instant Deal-Breakers On A Man’s Dating Profile
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.