Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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