I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
