hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Randomize
