either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
He asked to "fluff my boner.."
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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