Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
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He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
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My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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