Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
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