I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Randomize
