I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
