just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical�
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
