a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Randomize
