how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
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