He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
