Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
