I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
There was a lot of him and a little penis
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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