Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Randomize
