hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Randomize
