Dude my mom stole all your condoms
btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
