I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Randomize
