I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
I can't turn off my feet"
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Randomize
