i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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