Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Randomize
