these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Randomize
