It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
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