watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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