I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
