I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
