everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
