He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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