i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
where am i from again
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
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