the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
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