cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
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I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
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