I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.