shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
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