Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
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At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
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I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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