I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Apple has a Lot to Explain to iPhone X Customers
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
People Asked The Internet Questions About their Private Parts And The Results Are Hilarious
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.