I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
These 27 C*ck Blocks Are Savage AF
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
21 MILFs That Made The Boys Crazy
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked