Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
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