im having a threesome with these popsicles
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Randomize
