When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
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