but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Randomize
