I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
