Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
Randomize
