Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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