it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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