I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
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