Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
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