Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize
