just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
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