I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
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