I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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