I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
