my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
