Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
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I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
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