Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
COCAINE IS GR8
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
