i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
it glows. i had to have it.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Randomize
