You smell like stripper and shame
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
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FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
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I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
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