a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
