Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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