I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
Randomize
